A story of my life.

When I was in high school I tried to be cool.  I tried to conform to "coolness" by dressing a certain way and listening to certain kinds of music.  I wanted so badly to be accepted that I even thought about joining a gang.  Since I was too scared to get "jumped in" I just learned the gang signs and pretended, only to find myself at risk of getting beat up anyways.  I was pretty much a nerd.  A nobody trying to be somebody.  Sometimes I will sit and laugh about it, remembering how stupid I looked and acted, and all the times I tried to rap.  But other times, when I am reflecting on those days of endless insignificance, I feel sad.  I feel sad because of all the time I wasted trying to be someone I wasn't.  I feel sad because I refused to see what was already good or special about myself.  And I feel sad because in those days my relationship with God was almost non-existent.

I had become a Christian at the age of 12.  After spending many years as a Catholic, I heard the gospel and was saved on the same day as my mom and younger sister.  It was a great time for me. I fell in love with this new Jesus and I excitedly went to church every week with my family.  I wore Christian T-shirts, listened to Steven Curtis Chapman, and even got my own Bible.  My relationship with God was healthy. It was normal for a 12 year old.  And I was happy.

But then I got older.  And as I got older I also got that terrible pre-teen attitude that came with the age.  You know, the one where you think you know everything about anything and your parents are idiots and you are going to be rich and famous some day so you better not mess with me.  That attitude.  I perfected it.  I owned it. 

As I entered the last year of Junior High it got worse.  And as it got worse, my walk with Christ became a slow motion game of Red Light, Green Light.  And I was losing, big time.   I would do good for a couple of days, read my Bible, pray, go to church, but then I would do the stupidest things to offset all the good.

I wore Christian T-shirts while I learned how to cuss.  I read my Bible right before I lusted after a Dallas Cowboy's cheerleader.  I listened to Christian music right after arguing with my mom.  Things went downhill even faster from there.

When I went into the 9th grade, I was a new student at a (relatively) huge high school near Dallas.  I didn't know a single person.  And I was tired of being the nerd and the band geek so I tried to adopt a new image.  Hence the baggy pants and the rap music and gang signs.  Faster than Lebron left the Cavs, I turned from Jesus and the Bible to Lil' Wayne and Fubu.  It was ridiculous.  And as much as I hoped it would bring acceptance and "coolness", I was absolutely miserable.

At school, I could barely keep my grades up.  I was so stressed out about my image or status that to this day I have nightmares about that school, where I show up with no pants on or forget my locker combo and can't get my books.  It's crazy.

At home things weren't much better.  I fought with my parents constantly.  I fought with my sister even more.  And every time they tried to get me to go to church, I distanced myself from God as if He were my worst enemy.  I was depressed and started to write poems about how sad I was.  Now that I look back on it,  I desperately needed counseling.  I needed some real help.

Eventually my mom grew weary of my bad attitude and incessant frustration with life.  She got tired of living so far away from her family back in our hometown.  She was fed up with the way life was in those days - how it was always stressful and less than joyful.  She had had enough.  So one day, in between semesters during my Junior year in high school, we packed everything up and we went home.  We moved back to our hometown, back to our family, back to what we knew.  And for me, everything changed.  I didn't just experience a reunion with my grandparents and cousins and uncles.  When we went back home, I experienced a spiritual reunion.  And my life was never the same.

To be continued....