Masks, Lies, and Repentance

Last week I wrote a post called "confession," in which I confessed to being a sinner with any faults, past and present.  Sadly, that fact may surprise some people.  And if it does, it's my fault.  For years, I have carefully crafted this image of myself as a saint, an all-around good guy with everything together.  I have worked hard to portray myself as an almost sinless person, with few moral failures and a genuine and long developing love for God.  I guess I did this because it was who I wanted to be, who I told myself I was deep down inside, even if privately my actions failed to get the memo and conform to that image.

Ever since I was a young I have sinned in some way.  There have been times when I have been seriously addicted to sin, ever after I became a Christian and started going to church.  When I was little, everyone thought I was a "good kid" so I wanted to hold on to that image for as long as I could, no matter the cost.  So, as the years went by and I continued to indulge my sinful flesh in only God knows what ways (and only God will know, to be honest with you, unless you already know, then only you and God know), I learned better ways to hide those sins from the world so that I would still be considered the "good kid", and then the "good guy" and eventually the "good man."  

One of the problems with this (and there are many) was that I never learned how to repent.  I only ever taught myself how to be a self-righteous liar.  And that is exactly what I was.  I was a self-loving fraud who convinced everyone around me that I was instead a Jesus-loving, sin-hating man of God, even at the age of twelve.  As I grew older and one sin became less fun, I simply turned to a different sin.  I made a habit of replacing one sin with another, and then masking all of my sins with the sin of self-righteousness, portraying myself as a true Jesus Freak, when in reality I was just a sin freak. Repentance was something that I heard about and even thought about at times, but it was never something that I ever actually did.  I suppose I always knew that it was necessary and that a Christian should turn away from sin, but I never put much effort into it.

Instead I put all my effort into the game of charades that I played every day, leading my family, friends, church people, and Bible college professors to believe that I had it all together and that I was the perfect example of Christ-likeness.  It is very sad, now that I look back on all of it.  If I could go back in time, I would scream at my younger, more foolish self, until a change occurred in my heart.  I would tell myself that all of the sin is not worth it; that the few moments of pleasure are nothing but trash compared to a life time of walking with Christ.  I would show the old me that the Bible commands Christ-followers to repent, to sincerely turn away from sin out of a love and fear of God, and out of gratitude for what Jesus did on the cross. I would plead with my old self to let go of the things of the world and of the flesh and instead focus on serving God and becoming the man He called me to be.

I know these things now.  God has shown me some pretty awesome lessons about repentance, but He has also made me realize how much of a stinking liar I was for all those years.  So, to everyone who ever knew me, let this be my apology.  I was never truly the "good kid".  I deceived the world, including you, and I am very sorry.

And to those who are living in sin, as I did for years, and hiding it from everyone around you, know this:  it is never hidden from God.  You can try to clean yourself up on the outside, in the eyes of others, and you may be successful.  I was.  But if the inside is still filthy, all your outward actions - saying the right words, going to church, reading the Bible, praying - are futile and pointless.  I finally learned my lesson.  I pray that you would learn yours sooner. God bless.